Letting go off the kids, the toughest phase of parenting..

One of the toughest things for a mother/parent is to slowly let go off the kids. We all know that one day the kids will grow up, they will fly out, and that’s what we want them to be, to be independent, confident and happy.
To all the mothers who get tired of cleaning the crayon-scribbled walls, messy homes, kids calling out “mom” multiple times a day, taking them to the park and sorting out the “baby” fights; these days go away. Eventually the kids learn to keep the home clean, do their own tasks, sort out their own fights, and handle their own issues. Yes, we as parents teach them to be independent and wise to take their own decisions, do their own work.
I am toughening up my kids, allowing them to venture out on their own. My strapping teen son takes locals and visits another city with his group of friends. I know he will not get lost any more. I know he will be able to handle any situation now. My tween daughter now chalks out plans with her friends, is no more afraid of bullies, and in no more than a year or 2 will be able to travel short distances on her own.
I have plans chalked out for my upcoming future for the dreaded “empty nest syndrome” but somewhere no activity, no plan, no travel, no fun can take the place of our children..

More than what to say, people should know what not to say!

Recently my dad had his second minor heart attack in a span of 6 months.  He had to undergo angioplasty and stent placement again.  Naturally as a family we all were worried.

Then started coming the phone calls and WhatsApp messages asking about his health.  More than positive words 95% of the people had words which would make anyone worry even more.  Why o why do people do this??  Don’t they realize that the family as such is under a lot of tension and the patient is mentally and physically weak?

So, more than what to say people should not know what not to say and most importantly where!

  1.  When visiting or calling up a patient/patient’s family never ever ask about the minutest details.  The family members are under a lot of stress and in no mood to discuss the details again and again and again.  Just reassure them with few positive words and that’s it!
  2. When visiting a new mother, don’t start discussing her mode of delivering the baby (C-section in most cases), breastfeeding challenges, gender of the baby (mostly people are sick in their opinions when its a girl child), or what the doctor should have done (really?).
  3. When talking to the moms of children never ever compare the kids, specially if a mother is worried about her kid not achieving a milestone in a certain period.  Never compare about how someone else kid is a fast learner, smarter, sharper, etc., etc.  Try to motivate the mother and not demotivate her.
  4. When someone is depressed and confides in you never share his/her details with others.  That’s breach of trust.  That person in his/her moment of weakness must have confided in you.  You cannot give out the details to others, that’s totally unacceptable!
  5. When visiting a patient, never, never tell him/her how frail or weak he/she has become.  It causes so much of distress to the patient.
  6. Never tell a kid how thin, fat, dark, short he/she is.  Even adults should not be told this.  But kids, never.  They are at an impressionable age and can get hurt very easily.  It shakes their confidence.
  7. Never ask a girl who has just reached her 20s when she is getting married.  If she is married, don’t bug her with when she is going to have a child!  Certain things are very personal and totally a person’s choice.
  8. Never demean your family members on public platform in front of thousands of strangers whom you don’t know and who will make an opinion about your family members.  Why should you do that?

There’s a very thin line of difference between being concerned, showing sympathy and being rude/inconsiderate.  Choose your words wisely.  Words have the power to heal and hurt both..

Not just the government, people also need to wake up!

What is the reason for so many atrocities against women and girls? Lets see:
1. Female infanticide
2. Gloom on the birth of a girl child
3. Inequality at home
4. All dos and don’ts in the name of sanskars only for girls.
5. Making them feel ashamed about their body and periods.
6. “Its all your fault” being taught right from childhood. Imagine a girl getting whistled at and the society saying, “You must have dressed provocatively, you must have given some signals and so on.” The guilt continues as the girls grow up.
7. In arranged marriage the boy and his family having an upper hand. If its a Yes from the boy, the automatically its perceived that its an Yes from the girl!
8. Taught to make “adjustments” and “keep quiet” in the name of sanskars again.
9. Still in majority of the cases a woman doesn’t have the right to decide when she will marry, when she wants to have a baby, whether she wants to keep the baby or not, how she would want to raise her child, say on home matters as she is still considered as an “outsider” by her marital home.
10. Supposed to work/not work as per people’s discretion.
11. No help in raising children in most cases but always blamed if anything goes wrong.
12. Acid attacks on girls/women if they don’t give in to the male advances, break a relationship, or get married to someone else.
13. No right to property (yes law has provisions but most parents still bestow their son with the property).
14. No right to lit pyre or perform last rites of parents (many women do it now but have to fight for it).
15. Parents saying its not your home and in-laws saying the same!
16. Sexual harassment, gender discrimination, trying to prove again and again in workplace. No help from anyone in managing home and children whether working/not working in office.
17. Still being “blamed” for birth of girl child. Ever heard of X and Y chromosome of the father deciding the child’s gender?
18. Women judged on the basis of their dress, drinking, smoking, interaction with boys, work shifts.
19. Women/girl used as pawns to take revenge. The recent Kathua case and many such cases are the examples.
20. Domestic violence, both emotional and physical still rampant in so-called educated homes too. A slap or gaali is still okay as women are asked to “adjust” and “talk” to the husband when he is in a “good mood.”
21. Girls taught household chores and not the boys (not in all homes but still there).
22. Girls/women shamed about their body, complexion, height, looks.
23. Money can be spent for dowry and marriage but not the girl’s education.
24. If a girl raises voice or is independent, she is judged all the time and said to be overbearing and dominating.
The list goes on and on. We can blame the government for the lax laws or no stringent punishment but the basic problem is with the society’s treatment of its daughters. Till the time the girls are respected, they will be treated as liabilities and bodies only.
Let’s just not raise voice against atrocities, let’s also raise voice against the way most girls are treated still..

Tu kaun se caste ka hai?

Few days ago there was a such a great news when few Kerala students decided to keep the caste column empty in school forms. It was a refreshing change from the youngsters of the country. Wish the minds of the people was like that column which could be kept blank and no religion or caste needed to be written on it.

Picture this in most cases, an Indian doesn’t win a medal, a Haryana girl or Karnataka boy does. A child/woman doesn’t get raped, a Hindu or Muslim girl does. Don’t we already see castes and religions fighting for an upper hand always, still in the 21st Century?

When my kids are asked, “Tu kaun se caste ka hai?”, poor things are bewildered as consciously me and my husband who don’t believe in any caste or religion per se haven’t taught our kids the same. They simply smile back and say, “I am an Indian,” The next question, “Woh to theek hai, phir bhi kaun se caste ka hai?” Does it really matter? Of course for a lot of people it still matters.

A little girl is raped and killed brutally and still I see posts fighting over religion over this brutality..disgusting! My state/language/religion is superior than yours is the worst thing that this nation is fighting over. Till this stops, nothing is going to change.

The learning process


I was newly married then, being a Bengali didn’t have much idea about North Indian dishes. My husband, also a Bengali, but raised in Himachal and studied in Dehradun has more inclination towards North Indian cuisine. So, here I was just a few days after marriage and hardly having any idea about cooking and my husband asks me to make Rajma and matar paneer. I didn’t soak the rajma and just put it in the pressure cooker and despite many whistles the rajma was still hard. Matar paneer I don’t how I made it tasted terrible. My husband’s friend came over and both ate the food “chupchap” saying “achcha hai”😂I knew how horrible they tasted. Present day, 16 years into marriage,I make delectable rajma, kaali dal, matar paneer, and chole☺️This happened in a span of over few years and not in the first year itself. For me, it was a learning process.

This is just an analogy and example for all the new moms who say that they are bad moms because of unavoidable incidents that happen with their toddlers. Nobody is a bad mom, everybody is a “learning” mom. Parenting doesn’t come with instructions, its an everyday learning process. We learn from the mistakes we commit and try to better it everyday. So never ever say that you are “a bad mom”.

कन्या पूजन

आज नन्ही पायल बहुत खुश थी.  सुबह से अपनी माँ को हज़ार बार याद दिला चुकी थी की वह उसका लहंगा निकाल कर रखे.  महज़ नौ साल की थी पायल.  उसे साल में दो बार ही तो इतना ख़ास महसूस कराया जाता.  उसका जन्मदिन भी सिर्फ उसकी माँ ही मनाती. आज उसे पांच घरों में कन्या पूजन के लिए बुलाया गया था.  नवरात्रों में उसे यह दिन बहुत अच्छे लगते हैं.  जिसके भी घर जाती वहां उसे प्यार से बिठाया जाता, पूजा की जाती, अच्छा अच्छा खाना खिलाया जाता, तोहफे दिए जाते.

पायल की माँ सीमा सुबह से नवरात्रों के आयोजन में लगी हुई थी.  सुबह ५ बजे से उठकर पूजा पाठ किया, सबके लिए नाश्ता बनाया, व्रत का खाना बनाया, और अब कन्या पूजन की तैयारियों में जुटी हुई थी.  किसीको यह ख्याल नहीं आया की वह ६ महीने की गर्भवती है.  उसकी सास उसे सुबह से बस आदेश और तानें दिए जा रही थी.

सभी ने इस बार देवी माँ से यही मन्नत मांग राखी थी की इस बार सीमा को बेटा हो.  आखिर बहुत मुश्किलों के बाद वह दोबारा माँ बनने वाली थी.  पायल के पैदा होने के बाद से ही उस पर बेटा पैदा करने का दबाव डाला जा रहा था.  पर किसी वजह से वह फिर से माँ नहीं बन पा रही थी.  इसलिए जब नौ साल बाद वह फिर से माँ बननेवाली थी तब सभी ने बस एक ही गुहार लगा रखी थी.  इस बार तो बेटा ही होना चाहिए.  किसी ने कुछ मंत्र दिए, किसीने तावीज़, किसीने कुछ खाने को बोला, किसीने कुछ न करने को बोले, पर किसीने सीमा की भावनाओं की परवाह नहीं की.  किसीने उसका ख्याल नहीं रखा.  आज सुबह से उसे बहुत थकान महसूस हो रही थी पर किसीने उसे एक गिलास पानी तक नहीं पूछा.

मन ही मन वह हंसी, “वाह रे समाज! क्या दोगलापन है तेरा.  एक तरफ देवी माँ की पूजा कर रहे हो, कन्या पूजन कर रहे हो और दूसरी तरफ एक औरत का तिरस्कार कर रहे हो, एक अजन्मे बच्चे के लिए यह प्रार्थना कर रहे हो की वह बेटी न पैदा हो.  क्या यही बेहतर नहीं होगा की एक जीती जागती कन्या को साल में दो दिन न पूजकर रोज़ उसे सम्मान दिया जाए, उसके जन्म पर खुशियां मनाई जाए?  देवियों को जितना पूजा जाता है उसका आधा मान भी घर की बेटी और बहुओं को दिया जाए?”

तभी नन्ही पायल सज धज कर सीमा के सामने आई और मुस्कुरा कर पूछा, “माँ, मैं कैसी लग रही हूँ? जब मेरी बहन आएगी तब उसकी भी पूजा होगी ना?”

सीमा ने प्यार से पायल का माथा चूमा और ढृढ़ होकर बोली, “हाँ, अगर तेरी बहन आई तो उसकी भी पूजा होगी, हम दोनों करेंगे, सिर्फ दो दिन नहीं सारी ज़िंदगी के लिए मैं तुम दोनों का कन्या पूजन करुँगी.”

I am a rich woman..

I am a very rich woman.  Yes, I have a lot of wealth which I can use whenever I wish to and you know who made me rich?  My husband.  I bask in the wealth that he showers on me.

Let me tell you how I became a rich woman thanks to my husband.

1.  My husband showered me with unconditional love.  This is the one property that my husband has in abundance and which I use everyday.

2.  His second property is patience.  I can’t tell you how much I enjoy this luxury.  He is so rich in patience and calmness that even I have accumulated this wealth from him over the years.

3.  You know what my husband’s most expensive gift has been?  To let me be and not trying to change myself.  Since the day he married me, this expensive gift is something that I have treasured, cherished.  Not many women, unfortunately even in this day and age, get this gift from their husbands.

4.  We have each asset and property divided in equal halves; equal parenting, sharing household responsibilities equally, equality in way we treat each other’s parents and extended families, equality in chasing dreams, equality in spending.

5.  You know I own many pieces of exquisite jewelry that he has gifted me.  Two priceless jewels are our children.  Then is the jewelry of his support and motivation whenever I am down or feel like giving up.  There is one more priceless possession that is with me all the time, my smile.  Isn’t smile very expensive these days?

6.  Despite being 40+ my face has a glow and radiance.  I use a very expensive cream you know.  The cream of love and satisfaction.

People say that I have changed a lot after marriage.  Why not..after all I have amassed so much wealth?  Shouldn’t I be proud of the wealth that I have accumulated over the years from my husband?  I am a rich woman after all..